Deep in thought

For some reason, I have been in deep thought lately. Possibly all this is due to lack of sleep and a never ending to do list. Or it could be because I'm need in something and my heart is crying out for more. Whatever the reason may be, my thoughts are overwhelming and my heart is heavy.

As I played the tooth fairy last night to a sleeping little girl, my heart soared at some of the fun things I get to do as a mom. But when I pulled out the note Lily had written to the tooth fairy, my heart fell again. Lily thanked the tooth fairy for leaving money and taking her tooth. She then requested some fairy dust and a signature from the tooth fairy, neither of which she got. Fairy dust is not something I normally have on hand! And for the signature, well she stirred when I went in there to take her tooth and leave money. As she is normally a heavy sleeper, this worried me a bit, I couldn't risk going back in there and getting caught! Back to the note, after her requests, Lily went on to tell the tooth fairy about her poor grades in spelling. So cute! She is improving though, got A's on the last two tests! Lily concluded her note with a message that ripped me apart, I'm tearing up even as I write this. Lily told the tooth fairy how much she loves her mom, and how she misses her now more than ever. Mind you, I completely understand the bond a mother has with her child and a child with her mother, but what hurts me is that the kids never see me in that light, they never see me as their source for unconditional love. I suppose I should take their hugs and kisses, their smiles and thank yous, as an encouragement, as their love for me. But after years of being their mom, it tears me apart to still not be considered in their lives the way their mother is.

I apologize if this post seems as though I'm whining, or wanting credit for something. And maybe the latter is so, maybe I do want credit from them. I will be honest and say that someday I pray they will come to me as adults, maybe after having their own kids, and say that they noticed how much I loved and took care of them, gave them every bit of me that I could, and even losing myself in the process. Will they see that even when their own mother wasn't caring for them, that I was there? That I love them just as much as she does, and have put more time raising them than she has? I guess I don't really want credit, I just want a nod, a notice, an honorable mention of sorts.

I would never come between what the kids have with their mother, which has improved in the last year. And I know our house isn't normally as fun as when they go over there every other weekend. But of course ours wouldn't be, we have rules, homework, showers, bedtimes, etc. But part of me fears that in a few years, when their mother forces them to choose, it is guaranteed that she will, they won't choose us, they won't choose me. They will choose her. And if they do, I will be right there, the second they need me. I just hope they understand that while we may not be the most fun, we give unconditional love and we are there for them 100%!

As discouraged as I'm feeling right now, I will keep doing my best. Because if they do choose her in a few years, at least I have until then to teach them, to love them, to be there for them, everyday. Although I will say, I can't even comprehend what it would be like to only have the kids with us every other weekend. Again, I'm tearing up just even writing that thought; I can't even go there.

To Hudson and Lily, as I'm sure one day you will find this blog and read all that I've written, I want you to know that you are my pride and joy. I love you both more than you will ever know. I pray for you everyday. I miss you everyday that I have to work late or that you are spending time elsewhere. You are two wonderful human beings, and I am blessed that we have become a family. I love you both so very much.